A Sense of Belonging
by leenza
Summary: [One-Shot] Kalasin's thoughts right after she arrives in Carthak and is made Empress, missing her home.


Disclaimer: I own nothing!

A/N: This is a one-shot attempt at capturing Kalasin's thoughts after she has become Empress of Carthak alongside Kaddar. I dunno, I had hoped Kally would have more character development in Trickster's Choice, I thought maybe she and Aly would be friends, but we didn't even get to see her! How disappointing. So here's a little vignette I guess.

I have trouble breathing here. There is nothing wrong with me, don't worry. My lungs are young and strong. It is the air here. Carthaki air. The moment I stepped off that boat and onto this foreign land, I felt a change. This was not my home. This was not Tortall. 

I also have trouble sleeping. I travel the palace by night, finding balconies to watch the moon by, pools to swim in, and animals to befriend. These animals comfort me, because they at least can remind me of home. They, too, have been changed by the Wildmage during her visit here years ago, just like the animals in Tortall. 

I am a married woman. This is hard to digest. Do I love Kaddar? Of course not. I do not even know him. But Daine had reassured me that he is a good man and when I met him for the first time, I knew it was true. But he is the Emperor of Carthak and I am Tortallan. He is not who I dreamed of marrying. This is not the country I dreamed of leading. 

I do not leave our rooms tonight. I sit by the window and gaze up at the moon, glancing over at the bed every so often when he rolls over in his sleep. I miss my country. I miss my siblings, my father, my mother, and all of my friends. I miss my home. This will never be my home, no matter how fond I become of that man and this land. I will never love it here and I will never love him. 

I will make the best of it. This alliance keeps Tortall safe from this direction. And I will do anything to keep Tortall safe. Even sacrifice my own happiness. Right now, I am still angry with my mother. She was the one who initiated this union. And in the face of my indignation, she had the gall, the nerve to tell me to grow up. Tell me she herself had sacrificed her home to come to Tortall. Like she wanted my pity.

I cannot pity her. If she wants me to believe that she was ever unhappy in Tortall, she underestimates my intelligence. She is the Queen of my home, where people idolize and adore her simply because she is beautiful. I have her face and here people treat me the same way, only I do not appreciate the attention. I am not like my mother. 

I fancy visiting Tortall, but I know it well never happen. Kaddar does not trust me, and I doubt he ever will, for I do not plan on giving him reason to trust me. I suppose it does not matter, for I shall suffocate soon anyway in this unfamiliar air. I take a deep breath and sigh, gazing up longingly at the moon. It is hard to believe that Tortall looks up at the same sky, because I feel so far away from my home. I feel so _alone._

Tomorrow is my birthday. At home, there would be celebrations and presents and visits from familiar people. Here, there will be parties as well, balls thrown in my honor. But no one I know except for that man. And I do not wish to obtain any present from him. 

At least not until he sits up, blinking at me in surprise. "Kally?" I wince. Must he insist on using that nickname that only results in reminding me once again of the people I have left behind?

I meet his gaze reluctantly. "No, it's your secret Gallan lover." There is no humor in my voice, just a dry sarcastic vibe. I cannot even joke with him, though I have tried. Tortallan humor differs from here, I guess.

He is surprised, almost indignant. "I don't have a-" I sigh and he stops, looking at me in confusion. He does not understand me and this bothers him. He is used to being in control. But I am different. "Trouble sleeping?" 

I nod, remaining silent. He stretches and then gets out of bed. I frown. I hope he isn't looking for a little twilight heart to heart. But instead he goes to the dresser and takes out a package, handing it to me. "Here."

I stare down at it, uncertain. "What is it?"

He shrugs, but I can already read him like I read everyone else at home. It's one of the advantages of being the ignored younger sister of Prince Roald. He is nervous, almost anxious. "I was going to wait to give it to you tomorrow, but now I'd rather give it to you in private. I got other gifts, as well, that are less personal."

Personal? That's reassuring. I rein in a sigh, my long fingers picking at the wrapping reluctantly. Confused, I stare at a closed glass bowl of what looks like dirt and grass and sand in careful layers. This is my present? "I don't understand," I say truthfully. 

He places a hand on my shoulder; I have to stop myself from flinching away. "So Tortall is always with you," he says softly, his eyes earnest as he pleads silently. I look away, opening the bowl to take a huge gulp of air, a deep breath that is full of Tortallan sun, sky, and earth all rolled into one. I close my eyes briefly, a wave of longing washing over me.

I just stare at him, unsure of what to say. And he just stands there, unsure of what to do. Finally, he turns away. "I just thought…" He trails off and shrugs, looking to return to bed. 

I place a hand on his arm, freezing him in place. It is the first time I have touched him voluntarily. I've never felt so grateful in my life. And so I pull him back to me, wrapping my arms around his neck. I can tell he's shocked; he doesn't know how to hide his emotions very well. "Thank you," I say, my voice catching slightly. The bowl sits on my lap and I reach to put it on windowsill. 

We stare into each other's eyes for a moment and we both know it has to come from me. He has left me to myself since I have arrived, not forcing kisses or touches onto me. Even on our wedding night I slept cold and alone. 

I lick my lips, prolonging the tension. And then finally, painfully, I pull him closer, melding my body against his as our lips meet. It is a gentle kiss, both of us exploring each other's bodies carefully, hesitantly. And as the kiss deepens and we both grow more confident in each other, it is me, not him, that first moves towards the bed. 

I will always hold onto Tortall; it will always be a part of me. But now, in the most unexpected of places, I have found a new home in the arms of a loving, caring, gentle Emperor. I will hold onto him as tightly as I have held onto Tortall. 

Later that night, lying awake next to him with his arm slung snug around my waist, I smile to myself, one of the first smiles I have worn since I got here. I take one deep breath and my smile widens. The air is not so different here, after all. I'll get used to it.

Eh…didn't work out the way I wanted to. As you could guess, I've never liked Thayet. And I liked Kaddar. I wanted this to be like right after she got there, when she's still resenting being there and missing Tortall. Anyway….

Please review!! I'll love you!! ;)

Linds


End file.
